3months into your life

And I have already dried up. I didn’t quit or stop breastfeeding, breastfeeding stopped me. I’m sure the thought of you being nursed won’t matter to you until/if you ever decide to have a baby and nurse. The idea just is not normal until your there, or that is exactly how it was for me. For about a week you would latch on and pull off immediately and do that for 30minutes until I just gave you a bottle that you latch onto perfectly. I think that was your way of saying give me something with some milk mama! And after everytime you’d do that I would try to hand express milk out and I would get nothing. Also the last 3 times I had used my pump, I got nothing. That still didn’t stop me. I wasn’t sure if those we signs of being dry so I kept nursing you when I know your not starving and when I know you have the patience to work for 30mins for 1 ounce when you require 5 now. I don’t care how bad I want to be successful at nursing, I’m not going let you go hungry. So anyways I still didn’t stop, it comforted you. And then one day you wouldn’t latch on at all the whole day after that whole 7 (or prob more) days that you wouldn’t nurse either so I stopped. I stopped dragging out something that wasn’t working. And my boobs didn’t swell of gorge or anything like that and usually women who make some milk swell, sometimes even get fever in just the breast or even the entire body! I also hadn’t felt a let down in a long time so it was time and it’s been 2 weeks and she’s been eating and sleeping and gaining fine. I know breast milk is better. I know breast milk is better. I know breast milk is better. Dig the knife in as deep as you can while your in the area. But I don’t have any to give. Maybe it was her inability to latch that stunted us, maybe it was my lack of support, late milk production and formula brought to my doorstep, maybe it was my lack of knowledge, lack of deferments too to pump after every feeding, lack of commitment to pump through the night or nurse before or after every single suppliment. Maybe it was my fault or maybe it was my natural body. Breast milk is best, it’s natural. But what if it does not come natural. What if your adding fennel seeds to your diet, drinking lactation teas, taking milk thistle. These are natural ingredients yes but adding anything to your body is NOT YOUR NATURAL BODY. It’s your natural body supplemented with natural ingredients. Herbs are natural. Having to take them is not. My idea of natural is something that comes on its own. Not something that has to be forced. And maybe if there ever is a next child, or by the time you have one lactation specialists will be more available. But it wasn’t for me this time, and someone like me with my genetics, my characteristics that fir Hypoplasia to the T, needs a lactation specialist to help. People like me have to work for milk. Most women do not. You can’t go with the flow of there is none.. So about a week and a half or two weeks ago you stopped breast feeding at 2 and 1/2 months. I loved nursing. I wish I could have done better for you but your healthy and happy and full all of the time! 

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2016

It’s crazy how many comments we get on how great a dad Peyton is! And they’re not only compliments but they sound surprised. And it has nothing to do with Peyton as a person it’s men. Keep in mind it is only women, multiple women who have commented to me that most men don’t do all that. And I’m like, all of what? Be a parent?. It’s made me notice that people in this world still think kids are mainly the moms job. And it’s only women. At least they are the only ones who really think enough to the point of telling us or me about it. I can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t value being as good of a parent as I do. And when I say good- I mean a parent who does everything that they can for their kids. Not just a person who plays the role of a dad. Who swoops in to eat sleep and go to work and leave all the parenting to the mom. There is something admirable about a man who can and wants to provide but anybody can be a paycheck and provide but I have a husband who not only does wants to be apart of this. He wants to provide and know how to take care of our girl and he wants to be good at it and that in itself makes him an amazing parent to me, the desire he has to be good to her makes me fall in love with him in a whole new way. And I’m not surprised at all! His heart is so big. And I’m just glad he is putting it into things (us) that will equally love and cater to him. He was as surprised as I was when we found out there are couples that still exist where the dad has never gotten up in the middle of the night to tend to their baby. Go ahead say it, “where’s the mom” if your wondering, at night I’m sleeping right beside my husband and the sounds of our baby waking us up reaches both of us at the same time, we both have total capability of getting up and tending to our baby. Usually-since I’m not working currently because I’m medically not allowed to,I get up with the baby through each night. But there will be a time very soon that I’ll have to go back to work, and wake up and be ready at the crack of dawn and I’m not going to be able to do everything by myself every single time. And he doesn’t leave everything all up to me all of the time now. He tries to help but most of the time I tell him to go back to bed. But when I can not for the life of me stop coughing (Bc I have been sick) and he offers to feed Paisley her night bottle, I let him. Or when he’s up late and she wakes up after I have already went to bed, he doesn’t wake me up to tend to her, he does it. When we’re both asleep I wake up before he does, but that’s just maternal instinct, one of the many traits a mother takes for the team! But sometimes still he beats my maternal instincts and beats me to the baby, and he’s already changing her, or feeding her, and I don’t stop him. I let him be a good parent. He’s just as responsible for being a good parent as I am. We both definitely have our own roles each mom and dad has. There’s things he can do that I can’t. And things I can do that he can’t. He can provide much better than I, and I can breast feed! See. Physically we couldn’t have done these particular things in each others role during pregnancy or after delivering a baby!

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It’s March 12th 2016 and I am ready for:

•right now! It’s so exciting looking forward! But I love soaking up every bit of right now as I can, after all, it’s all we really have.

•my healthy and hopeful full term  baby girl

•to see Paisley open her little eyes, and see what she  wants to look at for the first time, I hope it’s me.

•green grass 

•hot sticky Louisiana humidity

•Peytons look on his face when we meet our girl

•to play outside again, there’s been a mosquito born Zika virus now in America that causes birth defects so I haven’t been able to be outside more than absolutely necessary since February 

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Yo dependent your Co-Dependent!

The second a relationship goes from being substantial for all involved, to it becoming something to avoid your being lonely–is where I lose interest. I don’t want to hangout because we have made a habit of it. This sounds odd, and indeed to me it is but many people I know don’t like to be alone. I notice people are like, way more likely to hit you up to hang out if y’all hung out the day before. It’s weird I know but it proves to be true every single time. And they are way more unlikely to hit you up to hangout if y’all haven’t hung out in a week. It’s a basic bitch statistic. We all can have a little basic bitch tendencies at times I guess, I mean when most of your friends are this way, it is very easy to get caught up in it and be like that too. And it’s crummy to have people that you actually enjoy spending time with and you realize they really just want you around to fill their time alone. I have some friends that we can spend months, years even apart and the second we are together again it is like we never skipped a beat, and those are my kind of friendships. Where as I have other friends who I can miss seeing 3 days and we both feel like we can’t hit eachother up, or like we don’t know what’s going on in eachothers lives. It’s some weird unspoken thing but at least I can see it going on. I feel like people really don’t realize they are this way. They really seem to have no idea that they invite people places and make plans mainly because they don’t want to spend that time by themselves. 

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It’s March 12th 2016 and I am ready for:

•right now! It’s so exciting looking forward! But I love soaking up every bit of right now as I can, after all, it’s all we really have.

•my healthy and hopeful full term  baby girl

•to see Paisley open her little eyes, and see what she  wants to look at for the first time, I hope it’s me.

•green grass 

•hot sticky Louisiana humidity

•Peytons look on his face when we meet our girl

•to play outside again, there’s been a mosquito born Zika virus now in America that causes birth defects so I haven’t been able to be outside more than absolutely necessary since February 

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The Mothership

We are 8&1/2 months into our journey in the mothership, I would have never imagined that I would learn so much about myself. I thought growing another life would be all about you. I’ve learned unconditional nurturance. Before I only took care of my physical vessel in phases, when I loved myself. And 34 weeks is a long time to be good to myself. I’ve struggled with eating my whole adult life, I guess it’s called a disorder but I just call it something that can be managed. And I failed, and worried about it a lot, for this is the first time my eating habits effected another person other than myself, an innocent person who deserves the best, healthy start in life. Healing myself of poor eating habits accompanied with morning, day, evening-didn’t matter what time-sickness just fueled my guilt, especially in the beginning when it was the worst. I always told myself that the day I start taking care of my body, it’ll all go back to the healthy way it should be, but it’s not instantaneous, it’s a process and in that midst I learned unconditional forgiveness. It required trying when I had no strength to. And continuing when I was disappointed over and over after failing. But it finally came. It took me 5 months but I finally started gaining the weight. 10lbs that is, then it took the next month (just 1) to gain another 10lbs! Lol (it was holiday food time and my second trimester so I got a good break from daily- head in toilet and trash can visits along with Thanksgiving Christmas and NYE dinners, score!) I was beginning to heal! Me and my body were grateful and gladly packing it on! I’ve worried about my body after the math though, I guess that comes with the territory of any pregnant woman so staying active was my goal. I can not sit up, I would rehearse this for months to myself. Now I’m rounding my second week of no work bed rest, Dr.’s orders. Those two words, bed rest sound like a life sentence to an ADHD, nesting, women. I started dilating to 2cm, 2 weeks ago at week 32, when any baby born  before 36 weeks is premature and will need a NICU. Those 4 letters terrify me and I never imagined them even being in the same thought process as my baby. So I have to lay up now and deactivate my thought process of keeping my body as in shape as I can for myself. It’s not about me right now and that is okay. I see so many new cellulite dimples in my thighs that would normally scream to me squats. But I can’t even bend down or walk too fast or too much without contractions, which make you dilate, so now I’m meeting unconditional love for my 30lb bigger body that I barely recognize in the mirror, that is my baby loves first home. I’ll do anything and everything in my being to keep her healthy and safe, especially if it means laying down what I felt was important. This portion of my life I’ve spent with this pregnancy has meant the world to me..

There’s galaxies in these birth marks.

I’ve always had baby-fever and admired the process of parenthood I would watch my friends go through, but I never thought I would be blessed with it. I was very close to having cervical cancer when I was 21, and had to have surgery on my cervix to save it, and to be honest I was against any surgery, it was all unnatural and if it were up to just me I would have laid life down to it. My mom cried and begged me to go through with it when I told her I had no will to, at the time I was swallowing more life than any 21 year old should ever have to and the words cervical cancer on top of it made me want to give up. I went through with it, for her and for my maybe possible future but the scar tissue from the procedure left my Dr. telling me it could be hard for me to ever get pregnant, and if I did I had the possibility of delivering preterm. Preterm. I did not even know what that meant!!!! Seriously. I had enough context clues to know that it sounded like bad news so I didn’t care to learn, I thought, I’m too unhealthy to have babies anyway, my lifestyle does not fit, Im too crazy to make decisions for someone else anyways, I’m too fucked up. 3 years went by with my now husband, we had gotten engaged and been planning our wedding for a year and 2 weeks from our wedding day we found out we were pregnant! We were not trying, and were always careful, never lazy, always did what always worked for us for 3 years and did what we knew to do to prevented babies. But this just in! The pull out method does not work forever lol. We weren’t planning on being parents, but we are more excited and ready as we will ever be, which is whoa for us way more than I could have ever known! I know we still have a lot to learn, me my husband, and our new addition, but I have nothing but room for it. I fully welcome lifes new seasons and lessons and blessings. I know I won’t be perfect, but I will be there, with the love of my lifetime, and with our girl and I’m going to spend it trying to soak up every piece of present that I experience without missing one thing.

I can’t wait to watch you grow, but not too fast little one👣

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I’m not who you think I am

YOU are who you think I am. It’s funny when you get married and are having a baby people place you in a category of sipping on societies koolAde. Like I’m this different person and all grown up now. As if a ring placed on my finger and a baby placed in my womb has taken the place of who I am. When wife, and parent got put on my list of titles it didn’t take away the women you knew a year ago, it simply added to it! I fell in love long before I got married. And it grows every single day and that is nothing new from the day I met love for the first time. Just because I’m married now didn’t change our love, we’re not different people lol, our love is the same, continuously growing as it always has but we didn’t start being any more serious or committed the day we said I do. We said I do, as in I ALREADY do. Not as in I do now that we’re married! I still sing in my car and have a fine taste in music if I do say so myself! I still dance to the phases of the moon. I still love the smell of smoke on my hair and watching the stars. I didn’t forget what it feels like to be a fuck up and be fucked up. In fact my experience of such was so thorough in that area that I believe to the bottom of my heart that I may understand that lifestyle more than those who are still standing in it. I mean, no I do not get to blare my music as loud as I would love to-it’s bad for an unborn baby. And no I don’t get to sit in bars around lit cigarettes or around bonfires this winter, because it’s not healthy for a pregnancy and I can’t risk getting sick. And no I can’t get shwaisted. But being a wife and a mom didn’t delete my life beforehand. The only thing that has changed, is that my life and my decisions affect orher people now, and they just so happen to be the only two souls on this Earth that have given me THE MOST joy in my entire life, my husband and my child’s. And thinking of those two above myself is SUCH a small price to pay in comparison of what they do for me and my soul everyday. I would have NEVER imagined in my wildest dreams that this is where my life would be even a year ago. Yes I knew we loved eachother and that we would spend our lives together but I never asked to be the love of my life’s wife or mother of his child. I would have been just as content just spending forever beside him, the end. I didn’t need a title or a duty to make it more real for me. But when who you believe to be the love of your LIFETIME asks you to spend the rest of your life with them, it just makes perfect sense to say yes, I’m mean why not! That was already the plan! But if he wants to give me diamonds and a child along with it, by all means I’m not going to deny it. Just because I didn’t plan this my entire life does not mean that I want it any less once it was given to me. And now that I have it, not only can I not imagine my life any differently but it’s brought more joy in my life than I could have guessed! Sometimes God, or life, or the universe whatEVER you may call it, knows the desires of your heart better than you do. I wouldn’t have insisted on marriage or proposed to my husband or planned a pregnancy a year ago, but nonetheless it is SO MUCH more than I could have asked for. People draw ideas of marriage and children in their minds and you can picture me in that cookie cutter mold because on the surface I fit that description but I promise you it’s only those who haven’t held a substantial conversation with me, those who don’t know my ideas or beliefs, and if you feel like they have recently changed then that just shows that you never knew me to begin with. I can’t show everyone in the world who I am. I can give anyone an idea, or a summary on the surface. But I don’t have the access or time to let everyone on Earth get to know me and I don’t think anyone does. Sometimes all people know of you is the idea or the quick description you give and I’m sorry if all you know of me now is a wife and a mom, and those are two of my favorite and better roles I play, but that’s only 2 of the many descriptions I fit so please don’t blame me when you strip me down to that being all that I am. Your ideas of me may be all I’ll ever be, to you.

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